How to Make Love Last

Appreciate Your Loved One

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   See the best in your love. If you want to make love last, then you should focus on your loved one's best qualities -- not their worst qualities. Though you can be honest about your loved one's less-than-ideal qualities, you should focus on his or her ability to make you laugh, their intelligence, and their great smile instead of how they're always late or that they spend too much time on their cell phone.

   • A survey of 470 studies on compatibility revealed that the one thing many long-lasting relationships have in common is "positive illusions", which allowed the people in the relationship to see each other in a positive light. This is also known as the "positive perspective."
   • Every day, look for the best in your partner and remind yourself why you are with this wonderful person.
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   Have compassion for your loved one. It's been proven: couples who exercise compassionate love have happier marriages. To have compassion for your loved one you have to learn how to understand why he or she is upset and to be sympathetic to their needs instead of being annoyed that they aren't in a good mood. Look for opportunities to practice random acts of kindness toward your partner and see how much of a positive impact it makes on your relationship.

   • Make it a goal to surprise your partner with a small gesture once a day. It doesn't have to be complicated or cost a dime; the time you take to send a text or leave a little note to tell them how special they are can mean more than expensive gifts.
   • When your loved one has had a bad day make it a point to be extra kind by helping him or her out around the house, whether it's by making dinner, doing laundry, or even giving him or her a back massage.
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   Appreciate the little things. To make love last, you can't underestimate "the sliding door moments." Sliding door moments are the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments filled with the words we haphazardly throw back and forth at each other. They are accompanied by little evanescent pains, frustrations, joys, and laughter, flying through our minds and our hearts that make or break the most important relationships in our lives. These little moments add up.^[3]

   • Even if you only have a few minutes of time with your loved one in the morning make it count.
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   Share a 6-second kiss every day. The six-second kiss is one simple and fun activity you should incorporate into your everyday moments of transition as a couple. This kiss is long enough to feel passionate and romantic, and it can serve as a temporary oasis within a busy day -- for example, when you're going to and from work. Make a goal of sharing this kiss at least once in the morning and once in the evening. You'll see what a difference it makes.

   • Greeting your partner with affection communicates his or her importance to you while reminding him or her of the good feelings you share when you’re in each other’s company.
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   Give your partner the affection and attention he or she needs. When your partner lets you know that he or she wants an emotional connection, whether he wants to cuddle or briefly step out onto your balcony to look at the stars, try to give him what he needs instead of rejecting him, no matter how busy you are. These moments won't come often, and if you want your relationship to thrive, then you should give your partner the affection he or she needs, so you can get that love and affection in return.

   • Take the time to listen to your partner and to respond to his or her needs thoughtfully.
   • You can't always give your partner the affection and attention that he or she needs, but you can make a goal to do this much more often.

Method 2

Resolve Conflict with Your Loved One

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   Avoid the four most common relationship killers. If you want to effectively manage conflict with your loved one, then you need to avoid the four forms of negativity that are so lethal to relationships that they are sometimes called "the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. After observing a couple for only a few hours, scientists can predict with over 94% accuracy whether they will stay together or get divorced if these negative behaviors are not changed. If you find yourself using any of these approaches toward your partner, decide to do something about it before it erodes your love.

   • Avoid criticizing your partner just to get rid of some built-up resentment. Instead, complain without blame by stating a positive need. Talk about your feelings using I statements and then express a positive need. What do you feel? What do you need?
   • Avoid having contempt for your partner by building a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship.
   • Avoid being defensive, and be open to your partner's comments and suggestions. Don't focus on trying to prove that you're right and work on finding a solution with your partner. Accept responsibility, even if for only part of the conflict.
   • Stonewalling, or refusing to listen to your partner or to give in to their demands even one bit, is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. The antidote is to practice physiological self-soothing. The first step of physiological self-soothing is to stop the conflict discussion. If you keep going, you'll find yourself exploding at your partner or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere.